


Miss Wanna Die

by CinderSpots



Series: Six Lesbian One Shots [57]
Category: Six - Marlow/Moss
Genre: Blood, Cussing, Cutting, F/F, Hospitals, Self Harm, aramour, part two of My R
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:29:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28137726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CinderSpots/pseuds/CinderSpots
Summary: Ah wanna die, wanna dieBut don't really wanna dieIf I died, you would cryAnd I don't know whyEvery scar, all the bloodMore, and moreThey're never doneNot enough, not enough
Relationships: Catherine of Aragon/Jane Seymour
Series: Six Lesbian One Shots [57]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1800325
Comments: 1
Kudos: 22





	Miss Wanna Die

_ Awake, I opened my eyes to see _

_ A hospital, so white and clean _

_ I was walking up to the roof, I think _

_ Then can't recall at all a single thing _

Ow.

That’s the only thing Jane can think of at the moment, ow.

She opened her eyes, and saw she was in the hospital, and fuck she was alive. That was so not the plan when she jumped off a building with her girlfriend and two other girls she’d convinced to not do the exact thing she’d done screaming for her to not jump.

But the moment she tried to reach for that memory it disappeared, she couldn’t remember what happened once she heard their voices.

_ Held a hand for me, you were there _

_ I know, but couldn't reach _

_ The me that would fall down all the time _

_ But stand and reach my hand to see… _

_ Have you tried crossing over yet? _

Catalina.

Catalina was sitting in a chair, asleep, looking very uncomfortable, but still there for Jane. She woke up suddenly and looked to Jane, “You’re awake.” she breathed.

“You were there……” Jane whispered, trying to remember desperately.

  
“I know. I just - couldn’t reach you.” she said brokenly.

Jane could easily remember when Catalina had stood up for her, or helped up when someone shoved her to the ground. Her girlfriend was always there.

Then she remembered catching her only moments away from killing herself and Jane felt very sick at the thought that she could be dead right now and Jane would still be alive.

“Are my parents here?”

“They…..um-”

“Had more important things to do than check on their suicidal daughter, got it.” Jane interrupted, all too used to it.

In reality it was better that they weren’t there, the only thing they would want to say is that she should’ve done better, and she deserved to die, and her sister would probably say something along the lines of ‘you couldn’t even get suicide right’.

So it was probably a good thing it was just Catalina there.

_ Ah wanna die, wanna die _

_ But don't really wanna die _

_ You were there, you would care _

_ Making me aware _

_ Every scar, all the blood _

_ More and more, they’re never done _

_ Not enough, not enough _

When Jane went back to school she was very aware of everyone. They were all looking at her, recognizing her as the girl that jumped off the roof.

Two girls ran up to her first, Kat and Cathy, they both looked happy to see her. They said nothing about how she had been so hypocritical to tell them to not jump when she herself was going to. They only said they were happy to see her there again.

Jane quickly learned that the girls she had saved, were fond of her now, and decided they were going to be friends.

Hilarious, she thought. A clique of incredibly depressed girls protecting the one who saved them, and then promptly jumped off a building.

But still, Jane wanted to die. She didn’t want to go home to the silence. Or worse, the yelling and fighting, and abuse. Catalina seemed to magically appear everytime a thought like that came to mind and she immediately distracted her with affection.

So Jane didn’t die.

Catalina made her even more aware of the scars that were growing in count on her arms. And how bloody the bathroom would be when she finally silenced the voice in her head asking for her to keep cutting.

The bandages would stain red every few hours, and Jane would have to excuse herself to change them. When she wasn’t doing it all she wanted was to cut, but the moment she finally did she felt so horribly guilty.

But as the voice of her father and sister would say, not enough, whether they were referring to the cuts, or Jane herself, she didn’t know.

_ Ah wanna die, wanna die _

_ But don't really wanna die _

_ If I died, you would cry _

_ And I don't know why _

_ Every scar, all the blood _

_ More and more, they're never done _

_ Not enough, not enough _

Jane still cuts, knowing she shouldn’t.

She wants to die, but there’s a reason her lines are horizontal instead of vertical. She wants to feel pain, but she also doesn’t want to really die. Call it cowardice, call it attention grabbing, call it whatever, but Jane knows the only reason she’s still living is because she knows that Catalina would be absolutely broken.

And she has no idea why she would be upset at her death.

Her scars burn in her presence, mocking her. Catalina kisses her like it’s their last kiss and everytime Jane wonders why until she realizes.

Catalina knows it might actually be.

Because Jane tried once, and what’s to stop her from doing it again.

Jane remembers the dead expression when she caught her seconds away from ending her own life. She told Jane everything, poured her soul out to her. She was being abused at home, treated like trash, told she wasn’t good enough, and when she tried her hardest she still wasn’t good enough.

Jane was it for her.

Catalina was Jane’s lifeline.

But Jane was Catalina’s.

How wonderfully, horrifically twisted.

_ When I forget you, I'm all alone without a place to go _

_ But then played a mirror like a show, the past I used to know _

_ A dream, 'til I see every part of me, eyes of red following and _

It’s only when Jane’s alone that she starts to go down a far seriouser path than just cutting. She knows where they keep their rope, maybe that would be easier. Or maybe she could take her mothers Oxy that she thinks she doesn’t know is there. 

It’s only when Catalina isn’t on her mind that she starts to seriously think about how she could sneak into the garage, or her parents bathroom. 

But instead she cuts, and cuts, and cuts until she’s one cut away from death. It makes her laugh when she wonders how many cuts it would take to see all of her from the inside.

_ I wanna live, wanna live _

_ Deep inside I've always been _

_ Reaching out for a hand, so don’t let this be the end _

_ Mushrooms growing on my head _

_ Still remember even then _

_ Where you are when I'm dead _

Jane doesn’t want to die.

She’s decided she doesn’t want to die. Which is rather unfortunate considering she cut just one too much and currently is dying.

“Catalina!” she screamed, desperation coursing through her veins. 

Her girlfriend had been downstairs, and Jane suddenly needed to cut, no question about it. So she had. Jane started to go delirious from blood loss, and Catalina burst through the door and gasped in horror as she watched Jane sink to the floor, unable to stand any longer.

She felt pressure on her arms, the first sign that maybe she wasn’t going to die. And Catalina’s sobs filled the bathroom, echoing over and over again, from both the walls, and Jane’s cruel mind.

“Don’t leave me Jane!”

Jane had faith that she was going to in that moment, and she hoped Catalina wouldn’t forget her, or let anyone else as well. Because clearly there was a lesson in her life, somewhere. She also hoped Catalina didn’t follow in her footsteps.

_ Ah wanna die, wanna die _

_ But don't really wanna die _

_ You were there, you would care _

_ You know it really isn't fair _

_ Every time I forgot _

_ You remain inside my thoughts _

_ Not enough, not enough _

Jane was not dead, and she couldn’t exactly make up her mind on whether or not she was happy about it. What she was happy about was that Catalina wasn’t going to kill herself, and she was right by her side.

Her parents were still, nowhere to be seen. She was especially glad her brother didn’t show his face, since she knew he would do something cruel while pretending to be kind to Jane.

He was known for his ways with women, rather cruel ones. He did take after their father after all.

Catalina had saved her, even when Jane had been so sure (up until the actual moment, and it was then, and only then she realized that she didn’t really want to die) that she should, Catalina had run up at her scream and saved her.

_ Ah wanna die, wanna die _

_ Wanna die, but I still couldn’t die _

_ With you by my side _

_ Behind the days I spent alone, afraid _

_ Now you're here to stay _

Jane wanted to be angry that Catalina had still saved her, but she was the one who unconsciously cried her name out, wanting her to save her when she realized she was actually going to die.

She was relieved.

Catalina was once again in the chair, uncomfortably.

“Lina.” she said softly, tears streaming down her face.

Catalina immediately woke, scrambling to her side.

“Thank you.”

Catalina looked startled before she kissed her desperately.

“Don’t you ever do that again.” she whispered between kisses.

Jane kissed her back, “I won’t.”

And she knew she wouldn’t.

  
Catalina later asked why, why did she call her name if she wanted to die and Jane responded so simply.

“Because I wasn’t ready to leave you.”

_ Lalala lalala lalala lalala _

_ And the scars never fade _

_ Memories that replay _

_ Rewind yet again to the pain we felt on that day _


End file.
